What have I gotten myself into?

What in the hell am I doing up at this time of night? It is thanksgiving break, and I should be relaxing this week. School is out, and if I am going to be up this late, I should be binge-watching a show that is on my list or DVR. However, it is 3:22 am, and I am wide-eyed and bushy tail. Thoughts are all over the place. One minute I smiled, then I got in bed and lay next to a man I know, but he feels like a stranger. How did I get here? Move on, they say. He wouldn’t want you to be alone, they say. You have a life to live. Blah blah blah

So now I am here, laying in my bed with a man I care about, but I have no idea how he feels about me. All I know is that we are friends. Of course, we are friends! I have known him for twelve years, and it was always a friend-with-benefits kind of thing. However, I am good at running when feelings get in the way. This means that it doesn’t mean how long we don’t talk; we seem to find a way back to each other, and every time, I run. I run because of pain. I run because I don’t do well with hurt.

Right now, it has been three years since Mark’s death. A death that I am still struggling with. I love a man that came back to me. A man that came back to me broken, and I had no idea what he was going through until he took his life. He was so dam focused on me and ensuring I was okay. Not once, and I mean not once, did I think he was going through something. A man that I KNEW would be mine forever. The second time is a charm, right? WRONG!!!

Or… Could it be that I really like or maybe love him? I have had feelings for him for years, but I buried them. It was never a good time. Now, there is a possibility small possibility. He isn’t ready, he says. He wants to get on his feet, he says. He wants to be single for a while before he gets into a relationship, he says. Nevertheless, he is here with me in my bed, and I am here in my messy ass typing these crazy ass thoughts on this computer.

My therapist always told me to write my feelings down, but in this case, I feel like I just took myself down a dam rabbit hole. Sighs…hopefully, this has helped, and I can go to sleep… To be continued…

The pain never goes away

Life can be be tricky sometimes. One minute everything is okay and then, the next minute everything falls apart. Losing someone that you love or have a significant part of your life changes you. It is changes the way you look at the world, and the way you look at life. Every one teaches you or give you a lessons on how to be responsible, what to expect as an adult. But, no one gives you lessons or teach you how to deal with death. No one tells you how hard it is and how to deal with.

Well I am here to say that death sucks! I know that it is the “circle of life.” However, it still doesn’t prepare for the hurt, pain, and lasting feeling of emptiness. I stated this post in April, but could not finish it because my heart and tears could not stop. I guess with every death I have encounter so far, I get numb every time the phone rings. Will it stop? How long will it last?

Mind you, I am still trying to pick the pieces from losing the love of my life. I sit here and try to figure out why? why? why? I walk in my house and all I can think about is him. The spare bedroom where he would watch television and end up falling asleep. I still have the ranch dressing in the refrigerator. I know it sounds crazy, nasty, and unhealthy but, I need to have something physical to look at or touch. Does that makes sense?

I miss him. Absolutely miss him. I know we only spent time over the weekend, during school breaks, or when he just wanted to come. Fridays are especially hard for me. On Fridays, one of two things happen. 1. I am either laid out sleep on the couch and when I wake up; he is watching television. 2. I am not sleep and when I hear his truck, I would act like I was sleep. He would come in and say “shellypooh” I would not answer and he would say it again and, again; I would not reply to him. Then, he precedes to say, “My baby is tired.” He would kiss my forehead and put his things away. Once he does that; I would fall asleep. I miss that. I miss hearing his truck. I miss how he would fuss at me for worrying so much. I miss him saying that I can’t keep money in my pocket because I am always on amazon. (lol) I love that place.

Trying to write this is so hard. I started this almost a year ago. I had to stop because the tears would fall down and I had to stop. Like one day I can sit here like right now, and I am fine. But, there are some days that I can not. I know that grief comes in waves. Every visit with my therapist I cry. I bring up memories like in the previous paragraph and just go straight into tears. I know that I will never know or understand what made him pull the trigger but, I wish he would at least given me the chance to help him. I keep questioning how can someone who saw something was wrong with me and tell me, I need therapy. I didn’t start going until he left me and I realize I had a problem. (We will get into that story soon) Doesn’t get therapy. How was that work?

I mean he made sure that I acknowledge I needed help and I finally got it. However, fast forward to five years later… you are going through something and you; don’t seek help. That is just like saying do not you bet not do that but, never says why or, doesn’t take their own advice. He left me alone and it is hard to accept that he is gone but, I know that he is no longer here.

I am trying to get better but, I guess I am still in stage two of stages of grief. Sometimes I resort to one sometimes because it is so hard to really believe that he is gone. Just make sure that when you do love, ask questions and make sure that you get the answers because you do not want to be like me. Still looking for answers and struggling everyday.

Losing the person you love

On 10/3/19, I received the most devastating news any person could ever hear. The man that I have loved for five years passed away due to suicide. Suicide! To find out that he did this a day later hurts my heart. I am so much at a loss right now, and I do not understand what happened. Or, at least I say I do not understand. There were signs. He was distant, moody, emotionless, and did not have a sexual appetite. Nonetheless, I continued to love him and be there for him no matter what. I tried to talk, and he had a large wall put up. We spent every weekend together and most of the holidays together. We were not having sex; that should have been a huge sign. However, I had been single for so long it was not a significant thing for me at first. However, after a year or two, I wanted more. Still, it wasn’t happening. Then, I started looking for my home two years ago; he did not want to partake in the house hunting or give his opinion on what he thought. In my mind, I thought of this home as OUR future. He did not. I have so many questions and have cried so many tears. I sit here, wondering what I could have done. Was there anything that I could have said? I know that there is nothing I could have done, but, at the same time, I know it is not my fault either. I still can not help but feel hurt, abandon, and alone. I have to figure out life without him, and it is so hard. It has only been ten days, and it feels like forever. Will this feeling go away? Suicide is real, and when it comes to men, we have to acknowledge that they go through pain, just like women. It seems that men hide their pain because they are men. Or at least that is how I feel at the moment. It is okay for me to be emotional because I am a woman, but can we say the same thing if it is a man? The signs were there, in my opinion. My thoughts are all over the place. Nonetheless, I found comfort in typing this and letting my current emotions out. They change from moment to moment — memory to memory. I started my blog to be therapeutic. To help me distress from things that happens in everyday life. Now, I see it as a coping mechanism. Please remember to check on your partner. Make sure they know how much you love them. Even if it something they know already, tell them. It may help break down walls that you had no idea was up there from the beginning. Remember, that just because the man is supposed to be healthy and strong does not mean that he does not have mental hangups. We have to start being comfortable to admit we need help and start getting it! I miss him so much, and my life has been flipped upside down. I do not want that for the next person. Until next time…

It’s been a long time

I started this blog to get all these random thoughts out of my head however, it has been very busy. Finishing school, started teaching summer school. Now, I am working on preparing my dissertation. The journey is scary and I know that I will want to quit because it becomes to complicated. I do not know if that is my character trait, or the down fall of my manic high/low bipolar depressant. I had a rage that would not let up and during that time, I lost the love of my life. Because of my childhood, I was not apart of the cool click. I longed to be apart of a group but, it never happen. So, I isolated myself and through the pain that was going on at home, I turned to music. Music and poetry was my peace hence the name unknownlady. I choose this name because I was really unknown. People saw the smile on my face and thought I was happy. Not really knowing the pain and unhappiness I was living. I am good at changing my mask to adopt to situations around.

But, back to my bipolar. I was diagnosed in 2007. I was twenty-six years old with a mental issue and I was so embarrassed about that. In the black community, things are handled through the church or at home with family. Well since my issues were with the church and my family; I had no one to actually speak to someone. My therapist was actually proud of me because she express to me that women in their fifties come in to get their issues resolved which is hard. However, since I was in my twenties, she felt that I had a chance to work hard and get it right. I did not trust people and I was very skeptical of my therapist and my psychologist. But, I learned how to trust them and let down my guard and was able to express myself.

I was so surprise of the things that I had kept inside for so long. The anger, the sadness, the unworthiness, and the low self-esteem. I am a advocate for therapy and medication because I would be hell on wheels without it. I say this because people like to make fun of people with mental disease. Sometimes prayer does not work. It takes realizing that you have a problem and you need to fix it. Of course you need to make sure that have people that will be there for you when times are rough and that includes a close friend, psychologist and therapist. You are not defect. You are an amazing person who have been through trials and tribulations. I say this because our past is something that we should not hate. It is something that we had to go through to learn a lesson and to make sure that it does not happen again with health officials helping along the way.

Am I missing something

On April 26 my co-worker had a beautiful baby girl. As I sit in the hospital room watching her as her husband left to take care of the house and the dogs. I held the baby in my arms because she had a cessation and was still loopy. I imagine how life would be for me if I had a child. I am so goal oriented; I do not know if a baby would fit my crazy life. I was told at a very young age to get my education first. Start my career and then, get married and have children. Well, I received my Bachelors in 13, my Masters in 15, and now I am working on my Doctoral. My expected graduation date should be sometime in the year 2020. I am 37 years old now. I am finally doing what I always have to do, and that is teaching. But, sometimes I feel that something is missing. Everyone is looking at me and is wondering when I am going to have a child. The problem is that I have no one special in my life. So, children are not something that I am thinking about right now. When I was in my early twenties; I wanted to have children by the age of 25 but, now it is something in the past. Still, I feel that I am missing something. Never been engaged, and never been pregnant. I saw my co-worker through her states of pregnancy and saw that I was missing something. I saw how her body adjusted as life was growing inside of her. Although, this is not the first time I felt this way. Watching my best-friend being pregnant and bringing life into this world shook me. I cried because I saw life being brought to this world and for that moment; I wanted to have children. I even thought about going to a sperm bank to get pregnant but, was too ashamed to admit that I did not have a partner. So, I pushed the thought of having children so far behind my mind and, now, it has caught up with me. I am holding this baby and feel like my life is missing something. But, am I missing anything? Or, is it just my going through the baby phase? I guess time will time.

Standardize testing

It is that time again, state testing. I hate this time of year because emotions are high and the stress levels are through the rough. Teachers are panicking because of the standardize test. What exactly does it prove? Does it really effectively show what the teachers taught the whole school year? My opinion is just that; my opinion. As a public school educator, I do not think that the standardize test properly asset the students. Sometimes the learning experience is in not in the textbook. However, I grasp the reasoning behind the test. In order to become a certified teacher; the person has to pass a certification test by the state. The same goes for being a lawyer, doctors, pharmacists, nurses, firefighter, counselors, and real estate agent. These jobs require education and testing. But, are we doing right by our students? How can we fully ensure that we prepare our students for success without testing? Nonetheless, teachers get antsy, and nerve wrecking. The students are scared and ready for school to be over with. During this time, the students have checked out. Summer is almost here and they are ready to get out! Still, giving these type of test is a headache. The people that make the test are just sitting down coming up with these out outrageous passages to read, and questions to follow. Are they educators? Did the make-up the test just for laughs? It is so frustrating because teachers evaluations are based on the growth of the students. Is that really fair? I know excellent teachers. Teachers that have taught me major things and help me grow but, their students do not perform well on test. Hell, I know for a fact that I get test anxiety. I hate testing. I know it is needed to a point but, still something doesn’t feel right about it. This is just rambling from a new teacher with end of the year frustration.