On April 26 my co-worker had a beautiful baby girl. As I sit in the hospital room watching her as her husband left to take care of the house and the dogs. I held the baby in my arms because she had a cessation and was still loopy. I imagine how life would be for me if I had a child. I am so goal oriented; I do not know if a baby would fit my crazy life. I was told at a very young age to get my education first. Start my career and then, get married and have children. Well, I received my Bachelors in 13, my Masters in 15, and now I am working on my Doctoral. My expected graduation date should be sometime in the year 2020. I am 37 years old now. I am finally doing what I always have to do, and that is teaching. But, sometimes I feel that something is missing. Everyone is looking at me and is wondering when I am going to have a child. The problem is that I have no one special in my life. So, children are not something that I am thinking about right now. When I was in my early twenties; I wanted to have children by the age of 25 but, now it is something in the past. Still, I feel that I am missing something. Never been engaged, and never been pregnant. I saw my co-worker through her states of pregnancy and saw that I was missing something. I saw how her body adjusted as life was growing inside of her. Although, this is not the first time I felt this way. Watching my best-friend being pregnant and bringing life into this world shook me. I cried because I saw life being brought to this world and for that moment; I wanted to have children. I even thought about going to a sperm bank to get pregnant but, was too ashamed to admit that I did not have a partner. So, I pushed the thought of having children so far behind my mind and, now, it has caught up with me. I am holding this baby and feel like my life is missing something. But, am I missing anything? Or, is it just my going through the baby phase? I guess time will time.
It is that time again, state testing. I hate this time of year because emotions are high and the stress levels are through the rough. Teachers are panicking because of the standardize test. What exactly does it prove? Does it really effectively show what the teachers taught the whole school year? My opinion is just that; my opinion. As a public school educator, I do not think that the standardize test properly asset the students. Sometimes the learning experience is in not in the textbook. However, I grasp the reasoning behind the test. In order to become a certified teacher; the person has to pass a certification test by the state. The same goes for being a lawyer, doctors, pharmacists, nurses, firefighter, counselors, and real estate agent. These jobs require education and testing. But, are we doing right by our students? How can we fully ensure that we prepare our students for success without testing? Nonetheless, teachers get antsy, and nerve wrecking. The students are scared and ready for school to be over with. During this time, the students have checked out. Summer is almost here and they are ready to get out! Still, giving these type of test is a headache. The people that make the test are just sitting down coming up with these out outrageous passages to read, and questions to follow. Are they educators? Did the make-up the test just for laughs? It is so frustrating because teachers evaluations are based on the growth of the students. Is that really fair? I know excellent teachers. Teachers that have taught me major things and help me grow but, their students do not perform well on test. Hell, I know for a fact that I get test anxiety. I hate testing. I know it is needed to a point but, still something doesn’t feel right about it. This is just rambling from a new teacher with end of the year frustration.
Thoughts and more Thoughts
It never fails; I get an off day and, I have not idea what to do with it.
I sit up in bed and look around and, all I see is darkness. It is quiet outside, and there is a sense of peace that comes over me. However, I still feel that something is missing. What is it? What am I longing for exactly? I am not sure. I am a teacher, and most of my co-workers have spouses. Well, that is not the case of me. Dating is something that I do not look forward to because it is so complicated.
Nonetheless, I feel the need to want to be in love and have someone to love me back. Yes, I know that I should not look for it. I don’t actually; but, I will not lie and say that I don’t want to feel loved by a man. A real man. Precisely what is a real man? Every person has their definition of a man in their book but, for me it is simple. A man that listens and doesn’t belittle me. A man that even when I am hard on myself; the man will be able to push me to see that I am not as bad as I think I am. A man that doesn’t shut down my dreams, ideas and aspirations. A man that can cook, clean, take out the garbage, cuddle, and provides affection when I need it. I do not care about money and fancy things. It is the simple things that I look for in life. Although, I make things complicated for myself. I am glad that I have a place that I lay it all out and reflect. I can go on and on but, I am going to stop right now and welcome you. Welcome to my blog!