On 10/3/19, I received the most devastating news any person could ever hear. The man that I have loved for five years passed away due to suicide. Suicide! To find out that he did this a day later hurts my heart. I am so much at a loss right now, and I do not understand what happened. Or, at least I say I do not understand. There were signs. He was distant, moody, emotionless, and did not have a sexual appetite. Nonetheless, I continued to love him and be there for him no matter what. I tried to talk, and he had a large wall put up. We spent every weekend together and most of the holidays together. We were not having sex; that should have been a huge sign. However, I had been single for so long it was not a significant thing for me at first. However, after a year or two, I wanted more. Still, it wasn’t happening. Then, I started looking for my home two years ago; he did not want to partake in the house hunting or give his opinion on what he thought. In my mind, I thought of this home as OUR future. He did not. I have so many questions and have cried so many tears. I sit here, wondering what I could have done. Was there anything that I could have said? I know that there is nothing I could have done, but, at the same time, I know it is not my fault either. I still can not help but feel hurt, abandon, and alone. I have to figure out life without him, and it is so hard. It has only been ten days, and it feels like forever. Will this feeling go away? Suicide is real, and when it comes to men, we have to acknowledge that they go through pain, just like women. It seems that men hide their pain because they are men. Or at least that is how I feel at the moment. It is okay for me to be emotional because I am a woman, but can we say the same thing if it is a man? The signs were there, in my opinion. My thoughts are all over the place. Nonetheless, I found comfort in typing this and letting my current emotions out. They change from moment to moment — memory to memory. I started my blog to be therapeutic. To help me distress from things that happens in everyday life. Now, I see it as a coping mechanism. Please remember to check on your partner. Make sure they know how much you love them. Even if it something they know already, tell them. It may help break down walls that you had no idea was up there from the beginning. Remember, that just because the man is supposed to be healthy and strong does not mean that he does not have mental hangups. We have to start being comfortable to admit we need help and start getting it! I miss him so much, and my life has been flipped upside down. I do not want that for the next person. Until next time…
I started this blog to get all these random thoughts out of my head however, it has been very busy. Finishing school, started teaching summer school. Now, I am working on preparing my dissertation. The journey is scary and I know that I will want to quit because it becomes to complicated. I do not know if that is my character trait, or the down fall of my manic high/low bipolar depressant. I had a rage that would not let up and during that time, I lost the love of my life. Because of my childhood, I was not apart of the cool click. I longed to be apart of a group but, it never happen. So, I isolated myself and through the pain that was going on at home, I turned to music. Music and poetry was my peace hence the name unknownlady. I choose this name because I was really unknown. People saw the smile on my face and thought I was happy. Not really knowing the pain and unhappiness I was living. I am good at changing my mask to adopt to situations around.
But, back to my bipolar. I was diagnosed in 2007. I was twenty-six years old with a mental issue and I was so embarrassed about that. In the black community, things are handled through the church or at home with family. Well since my issues were with the church and my family; I had no one to actually speak to someone. My therapist was actually proud of me because she express to me that women in their fifties come in to get their issues resolved which is hard. However, since I was in my twenties, she felt that I had a chance to work hard and get it right. I did not trust people and I was very skeptical of my therapist and my psychologist. But, I learned how to trust them and let down my guard and was able to express myself.
I was so surprise of the things that I had kept inside for so long. The anger, the sadness, the unworthiness, and the low self-esteem. I am a advocate for therapy and medication because I would be hell on wheels without it. I say this because people like to make fun of people with mental disease. Sometimes prayer does not work. It takes realizing that you have a problem and you need to fix it. Of course you need to make sure that have people that will be there for you when times are rough and that includes a close friend, psychologist and therapist. You are not defect. You are an amazing person who have been through trials and tribulations. I say this because our past is something that we should not hate. It is something that we had to go through to learn a lesson and to make sure that it does not happen again with health officials helping along the way.
On April 26 my co-worker had a beautiful baby girl. As I sit in the hospital room watching her as her husband left to take care of the house and the dogs. I held the baby in my arms because she had a cessation and was still loopy. I imagine how life would be for me if I had a child. I am so goal oriented; I do not know if a baby would fit my crazy life. I was told at a very young age to get my education first. Start my career and then, get married and have children. Well, I received my Bachelors in 13, my Masters in 15, and now I am working on my Doctoral. My expected graduation date should be sometime in the year 2020. I am 37 years old now. I am finally doing what I always have to do, and that is teaching. But, sometimes I feel that something is missing. Everyone is looking at me and is wondering when I am going to have a child. The problem is that I have no one special in my life. So, children are not something that I am thinking about right now. When I was in my early twenties; I wanted to have children by the age of 25 but, now it is something in the past. Still, I feel that I am missing something. Never been engaged, and never been pregnant. I saw my co-worker through her states of pregnancy and saw that I was missing something. I saw how her body adjusted as life was growing inside of her. Although, this is not the first time I felt this way. Watching my best-friend being pregnant and bringing life into this world shook me. I cried because I saw life being brought to this world and for that moment; I wanted to have children. I even thought about going to a sperm bank to get pregnant but, was too ashamed to admit that I did not have a partner. So, I pushed the thought of having children so far behind my mind and, now, it has caught up with me. I am holding this baby and feel like my life is missing something. But, am I missing anything? Or, is it just my going through the baby phase? I guess time will time.
It is that time again, state testing. I hate this time of year because emotions are high and the stress levels are through the rough. Teachers are panicking because of the standardize test. What exactly does it prove? Does it really effectively show what the teachers taught the whole school year? My opinion is just that; my opinion. As a public school educator, I do not think that the standardize test properly asset the students. Sometimes the learning experience is in not in the textbook. However, I grasp the reasoning behind the test. In order to become a certified teacher; the person has to pass a certification test by the state. The same goes for being a lawyer, doctors, pharmacists, nurses, firefighter, counselors, and real estate agent. These jobs require education and testing. But, are we doing right by our students? How can we fully ensure that we prepare our students for success without testing? Nonetheless, teachers get antsy, and nerve wrecking. The students are scared and ready for school to be over with. During this time, the students have checked out. Summer is almost here and they are ready to get out! Still, giving these type of test is a headache. The people that make the test are just sitting down coming up with these out outrageous passages to read, and questions to follow. Are they educators? Did the make-up the test just for laughs? It is so frustrating because teachers evaluations are based on the growth of the students. Is that really fair? I know excellent teachers. Teachers that have taught me major things and help me grow but, their students do not perform well on test. Hell, I know for a fact that I get test anxiety. I hate testing. I know it is needed to a point but, still something doesn’t feel right about it. This is just rambling from a new teacher with end of the year frustration.
Thoughts and more Thoughts
It never fails; I get an off day and, I have not idea what to do with it.
I sit up in bed and look around and, all I see is darkness. It is quiet outside, and there is a sense of peace that comes over me. However, I still feel that something is missing. What is it? What am I longing for exactly? I am not sure. I am a teacher, and most of my co-workers have spouses. Well, that is not the case of me. Dating is something that I do not look forward to because it is so complicated.
Nonetheless, I feel the need to want to be in love and have someone to love me back. Yes, I know that I should not look for it. I don’t actually; but, I will not lie and say that I don’t want to feel loved by a man. A real man. Precisely what is a real man? Every person has their definition of a man in their book but, for me it is simple. A man that listens and doesn’t belittle me. A man that even when I am hard on myself; the man will be able to push me to see that I am not as bad as I think I am. A man that doesn’t shut down my dreams, ideas and aspirations. A man that can cook, clean, take out the garbage, cuddle, and provides affection when I need it. I do not care about money and fancy things. It is the simple things that I look for in life. Although, I make things complicated for myself. I am glad that I have a place that I lay it all out and reflect. I can go on and on but, I am going to stop right now and welcome you. Welcome to my blog!