What in the hell am I doing up at this time of night? It is thanksgiving break, and I should be relaxing this week. School is out, and if I am going to be up this late, I should be binge-watching a show that is on my list or DVR. However, it is 3:22 am, and I am wide-eyed and bushy tail. Thoughts are all over the place. One minute I smiled, then I got in bed and lay next to a man I know, but he feels like a stranger. How did I get here? Move on, they say. He wouldn’t want you to be alone, they say. You have a life to live. Blah blah blah

     So now I am here, laying in my bed with a man I care about, but I have no idea how he feels about me. All I know is that we are friends. Of course, we are friends! I have known him for twelve years, and it was always a friend-with-benefits kind of thing. However, I am good at running when feelings get in the way. This means that it doesn’t mean how long we don’t talk; we seem to find a way back to each other, and every time, I run. I run because of pain. I run because I don’t do well with hurt.

Right now, it has been three years since Mark’s death. A death that I am still struggling with. I love a man that came back to me. A man that came back to me broken, and I had no idea what he was going through until he took his life. He was so dam focused on me and ensuring I was okay. Not once, and I mean not once, did I think he was going through something. A man that I KNEW would be mine forever. The second time is a charm, right? WRONG!!!

Or… Could it be that I really like or maybe love him? I have had feelings for him for years, but I buried them. It was never a good time. Now, there is a possibility small possibility. He isn’t ready, he says. He wants to get on his feet, he says. He wants to be single for a while before he gets into a relationship, he says. Nevertheless, he is here with me in my bed, and I am here in my messy ass typing these crazy ass thoughts on this computer.

     My therapist always told me to write my feelings down, but in this case, I feel like I just took myself down a dam rabbit hole. Sighs…hopefully, this has helped, and I can go to sleep… To be continued…